So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
