I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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