I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
