I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
