I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
