New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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