I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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