Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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