Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I cockslap morals
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
