When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Can I color on your dick again?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
