Just fell off a train. Bad.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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