Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
