I cannot find my penis.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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