did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
