she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
