She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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