when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I look better un-naked...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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