Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
