I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
