he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
