I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize