Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
is wine microwaveable?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
