Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
