I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
