My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
