Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
