Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
