We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
