The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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