totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
