i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
