I am midnight drunk by noon
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
