new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I stole a fireplace last night.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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