I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
