That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
