also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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