so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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