Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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