Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
