I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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