my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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