The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
