i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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