If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
