I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
