i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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