i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
