I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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