I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
