don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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