Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
