sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
