I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
