he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
