I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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