mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize