I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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