I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
