I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
